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July 2010

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Jul. 3rd, 2010

Sleepy Head

I wake up in the morning and toss like a salad in bed towards you. I muffle a comment as I notice your hair consuming every inch of the bed. Good Morning said the man living in my head. You never stir. Good Morning screamed the man getting slightly agitated. You never stir. I lean over the miles of hair and stroke your cheek only to find that you've turned into a pillow. Who's hair is this? Who's bed is this? Who's salad is this? Why is their hair in my salad? Please take it back to the kitchen.

I tumble from the bowl onto the floor frantically searching for a means of communication. A soup can lies abandoned on the floor with a red string sprouting out from the ground attached firmly to it rear end. Grabbing the soup can I yell Good Morning hoping for a response. You never stir. All I hear in response is the sloshing of condensed tomato liquid making waves. Of course you didn't answer. You wouldn't be caught dead with a tomato phone. You would surely implode.

I wander out into the street like an amoeba on the new frontier. You're standing at my door. I greet you good morning, you hand me a cup of tea. The tea is hidden under a layer of milk that would make any cow proud, the sugar has surely sunk to the bottom now. You never stir.

May. 11th, 2010

Heavy Breathing

Blood didn't fall,
Tears filled the void,
hold me like a lover,
never let go.

Rip off my wings and laugh
Rip out my heart, forget about me
Rip out my illusion of love
my corroded dreams
let the tears stream
let the tears fucking stream.

I want you to feel the pain that I feel
twisting under the weight of the guilt
Break the innocence
Smash the coward.
Lose yourself as the warm touch mingles.

I drowned out the sound of the screaming voices
I filled my thoughts with intoxicated breath
I want to forget your eyes
I want to forget your everything
I want to believe your lies
They're all that I have now.
They're all that keep me from the end
I'm losing, I'm falling. I'm falling I'm falling.

Blood didn't fall,
Tears filled the void,
hold me like a lover,
never let go.

Mar. 28th, 2010

Dear Beautiful,

I work in a waterpark. I saw you sitting by yourself, you looked so alone... so sad... and you covered up when I walked by and said hello to you, you had a lovely smile, but your eyes looked so sad, you may not be like one of those scrawny women who walks around in two pieces but you are beautiful, i hope you know that there's no reason to hide yourself, especially not in a waterpark.

love,
the weirdo at the waterpark

Mar. 5th, 2010

STOP....

telling me I'm special.....

dammit..

I'm a HUMAN!

Nothing abnormal here. Just random molecules, randomly put together, to create an average girl.

thank you.... that is all. 

Mar. 4th, 2010

Ok.... let me paint a picture for you....

Girl meets boy
Falls in love
Boy says he loves girl
GIrl is SO happy to have found him
Boy hurts girl emotionally
Boy is emotionally vacant
Boy couldn't care less how hurt she is.

(Broken record effect...)

Girl takes back boy
Falls in love.. all over again
Boy says he loves girl but isn't ready for a "Real Relationship" again
Girl is SO happy to have him back even if it is just physical
Boy hurts girl emotionally
Boy is emotionally vacant
Boy couldn't care less how hurt she is.
AGAIN.
Girl takes back boy
Falls in love.. all over again
Boy says he loves girl but still isn't ready for anything "Real"
Girl is SO happy to have him back and knows it WILL work this time, even though it's still just physical.
Boy hurts girl emotionally AGAIN and scars her self esteem
Boy is emotionally vacant and is finally appearing to her as he was all along, a pig.
Boy couldn't care less how he's hurt her.

(Maybe the record player just needs a good kick...)

Boy decides he wants her back..
and is shocked when she puts him at a distance
Girl wised up and decided to be emotionally vacant
Boy spilled out feelings and tried desperately to kiss her
Girl pushes boy away
Boy whispers he wants her
Girl laughs out loud...
Boy gets angry and walks out.
Girl breaks free from the cycle of stupidity.

(The record spins on to a better song.)

Feb. 16th, 2010

BTW...

 Journal, I totally wrote the last entry without looking down once. So.... be impressed by the small amount of spelling errors.

The one day....

I decide to wear a fur coat.... there is a GORGEOUS guy sitting in front of me that looks REALLY vegan.. either that or he's just extremely skinny and extremely into wearing industrial piercings... He's pretty though.. I want to say stuff to him but he's probably too busy paying attention to the class.... HAH that's a funny though... actually paying attention in class. 

He looks like his name would be something awesome like Django or Sid... or some awesome sounding name.. Yeah, I'm obsessing at the moment.. Maybe it's just because I'm bored. I don't know. Or just frustrated.

I'm trying not to go to deeply into details because last time I did that I got into trouble with my family... x_x They found my journal out and shut it down.. Well.. not my whole family just one person.. I lvoe her to death... but good lord she really does like making sure I'm not going crazy.

I am in desperate need of human contact... Not necessarily physical contact, just something to make me feel like I'm not ALONE. Once again, I have my family but they didn't get to choose me, they're just stuck with me through the bad and the good. I kind of want to find someone that makes me feel like they just WANT to be around me.

I've actually made it my goal to find someone who treats me REALLY well. Someone who treats me like the rad-tastic person I am.

I have to say rad-tastic because i'm afraid my self esteem is at the point where I really need to try and boost myself up instead of letting these dumbasses that I used to call boyfriends make me spiral down into a DEEP dark depression.

Feb. 10th, 2010

I started again

 this time I'm anonymous.

I just had to start again. I need somewhere to vent my frustrations about everything.

I'm just so tired of EVERYONE thinking I'm wrong.

I am NOT always wrong it is impossible. I can't stand arguing with people anymore... I'm done trying to prove my point or even attempt to explain my point to anyone... NOBODY CARES! Ever since I was a child people have told me I'm wrong or interrupted me or told me how crazy I was for believing what I believed well I'm done.. I'm tired of always being walked all over... People can yell their opinions at me ALL DAY I'm not going to argue my opinion to ANYONE. Fuck them... 

Or is it me... Is it really what HE told me... Is it really that all of my arguments are not solid and none of them are strong enough to hold up on their own? Am I really that stupid? Do I really lack the ability to form a logical argument against anything? Or am I just a fucking crazy person who can't do ANYTHING right?

This is so fucking annoying... Every person I seem to run into decides that i'm a moron with the first few minutes apparently

I can't even keep a boyfriend for longer then a year... Both of the women in my direct family had found their spouses by the time they were 17 I'm nearly 20.... How fail am I?

Seriously... i'm SO fail... I can't even do art right.. I can't do ANYTHING right.. I can't even fucking do a part time job working a cash register right..


I'm so frustrated... SO frustrated... I don't know what I can do... I can't do anything...

I really just want to give up sometimes and just give in to whatever anyone else has to say.... But I can't do that... as much as I wish I could..

I really just want someone to tell me... you know what? you ARE right. You ARE smart. I appreciate what you have to say.

But for some reason that person just can't seem to find me... Or I can't find them..

Maybe it's because I've already been past them and I just didn't have enough courage to talk to them.. because just like every other person in my life I figured they would probably just shoot me down anyway... Tell me how ridiculous all of the ideas coming from my head are.. If it wasn't so many people maybe I would suggest that it was those certain people causing the problem... But it seems that it happens with nearly everyone I meet. So it's obviously something wrong with me. Some horrible character flaw that will be my downfall. 

Occasionally I just kind of want to go off and not be around ANYONE... Just give up on everyone around me (except my family). Try and forget that I met any of these people and try to just better myself rather then try and communicate with other people...

Every time I try and communicate with someone anyway it just ends up coming out stupid and jumbled up... I can't express my feeling to people without getting really nervous and then stuttering or jumbling up my words or losing my sentence completely... I'm so fucking socially inept sometimes... I really wish I could be like my sister... My sister is one of those girls who can talk to anyone for any amount of time without sounding like a complete and total fucking moron.... I on the other hand always end up sounding like a moron... Which sucks... because I think sometimes, at least in my head, my opinions sound reasonable... Maybe it is all my fault... Maybe I just can't speak to people properly or form ideas correctly...

I just wish there was some way of making myself feel better. I feel like my points are valid... I would just rather not talk over someone to get my point across... It seems pointless to just talk at someone rather then to them...


So You know what? FUCK IT! 

I'm done trying to argue against any of them... It's pointless..

I'm so fucking tired of everyone thinking I'm crazy

I just want to find that person who will finally understand me and love me for the person I am...

I want to find that person who will finally agree with me... Or at least listen to me